Home Sweet Home?

We made an offer on a house this week. Officially. We didnt' get it.

I rode the roller coaster of emotions but not as hard or as fast as I could have. Was I anxious? sleepless? imagining oh fuck! what if we get it?! oh fuck! what if we don't?! Yes. All that & then some. On a scale of one to ten where one is mildly disappointed and ten is devastated I actually would say three. Or maybe more frustrated or challenged.

I am so over this rental place without a backyard really or room to have more than a couple of people over. The traffic noise is insane & keeps me awake at night. The landlord still hasn't fixed the house from when the neighbor drove into it two years ago almost. We've seen a mouse in the house. There have been shootings on the street. It's time to go.

Feels like I have been looking forever. I know what I want & I don't think it's unrealistic.

Or is it?! I just want somewhere to nest where I can paint the walls & make it mine.

I am trying not to lose hope in the whole process. It's not easy.

Motivation

People who only see the occasional facebook status, who I don't see often in real life or actually talked to at length recently seem confused. Do I have a job? Why am I looking for work? What's going on? I am coming up on my one year anniversary of the job at the law firm. I still work there although I was demoted a while ago. Some navel gazing has revealed that this situation feels at best tenuous, often tedious and toxic in its negativity. This is not a win/win situation. I am not living up to my potential. I am seeking options.

Looking for work has not been uplifting. I have received a thanks for applying notification, several notifications that my application is being reviewed but mostly ridiculous replies from random companies spamming me or wanting me to apply for jobs I am overqualified for or have no interest in whatsoever. I am discouraged.

We are still looking for a house to buy. We have a rather precise list of what we want/need. We haven't found the elusive it. If I am going to spend a quarter of a million dollars, I am looking for the definitive statement "This is it!'" not the question of "Is this it?" I'll know it when I see it. We've been close. Most houses in our price range are too much of a fixer, in a neighborhood without any neighborhood feel to it, or just missing one of the deal breakers. In the meantime, the landlord still hasn't fixed the hole in the house from almost two years ago, the traffic on Killingsworth is driving me insane, and I still don't have a scooter.

The rain has been making me grumpy. We were supposed to go camping at the land this weekend, and my motivation failed me. After a week that was really hard, I wasn't up for challenges. Predictions were for wind, scattered rain, cold nights. What I learned is that not giving it a chance is not the answer necessarily. I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to changing the scenery, getting out of town, hanging with friends. Kicking myself for not doing it right & not making the most of my three day weekend is not helping with the process of adjusting my attitude.

I am tired of all the old stories about what isn't working for me.

What we did have this weekend were watching movies with dragons, crepes for breakfast, mimosas, silly mutton chop mustaches, naps, smoothies, playing cribbage while people watching, movies, bookstore, photography for the fun of it, and much relaxing.

It's time for summer and something different.

Tomorrow is June.